As always, is this blog fact or fiction? you be the judge. Nah, don't judge. That's exhausting.
Vimilis,
If so, then there is no reason to keep our secret a secret anymore. I'm tired of lying to my commanders and the people close to me.
I left Q9 and you so I would finally be able to leave you. Your idea of love is listless, without expressing your feelings or having the basic, necessary elements to a relationship--the ability to talk and communicate openly with an open heart, no lies and no holding back your feeling of honesty, regret, or passion... You're right, I'll never find a being again that loves me like you, and I hope I never do have a being that loves me like you do because I never want to feel empty again like that. The time before I left on an evac assignment, the time when the winds blew the dust that shut down the turbines in sector 4, when I was talking to you and telling you my day and how bad I was feeling and you asked me "Are you talking to me?" Sums up our relationship. The perfect metaphor.
I'm not perfect, but neither are you. The difference between us is that I can recognize it and acknowledge it. You still think you do nothing wrong. You quit wanting to go to sanctity counseling because you didn't like that the nun was trying to get you to see what you were doing wrong, but you refused to try hard and work on your problems. You hated being told there was something wrong with you. You said sorry about 4 or 5 times in 10 years leaving me to always feel to blame for every time you got upset. Two people should be saying sorry for EVERY fight. If there is a fight, that means two people share the responsibility, apologize, try to forget, and work together. You'd go days, even Aminutes, without talking to me, even if the problem was a misunderstanding and even after I said sorry. It was an unbearable punishment and I started questioning everything about myself. I started losing myself and what I would be willing to compromise or change my mind about because whatever happened, you still weren't happy. I'd compromise myself so that we could still try and talk. So you're right, it was irresponsible, but it was irresponsible to myself. Had I been stronger and stood my ground... gone weeks, months without talking to you, the same amount of time as you'd go, the times when I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I'm right and deserved an apology from you. But it was too much effort to try and be more stubborn than you are. It was exhausting, and frankly speaking, I lost energy.
I trust your feelings will change. When they do you'll turn in the papers, withdraw the Creeper. If not, you will force me to kill. So be it. If I follow my code then I shall not miss my ride to The Nothing. If it does come to that, before, whatever you need me to do I will do. You still don't answer any questions I ask you about money, which makes me believe you aren't going to give me my half. Or you're going to try and manipulate me by holding it hostage. If you don't give me my half after I worked so hard, and you saw me work so hard, then your karma will catch up to you. If you don't give me half of our money, half my my hard earned money, then you are holding it because you're angry. So be it. It will eat you inside. Do what you like. I got what I essentially wanted, which was to be free of you. Now I can find someone that will listen to me and give me what I need instead of giving me what she thinks I need.
I did love you Vimilis. But I don't know you very much at all. From what you showed me, you are a wonderful person when you want to be and I feel you wanted to try to be better for some time, but then you quit. For whatever reason, I won't know. I wish you would've opened up and shown me your entire heart and not just a small portion of it. I hope you can learn to communicate with someone in a healthy way, learn to express your emotions and FEEL something more than anxiety and fear for the future all the time. I'm hoping one day you learn to live in the moment and learn to relax and be free from lies and lying to everyone when you really don't have to. I'm hoping one day you'll come out of the shadows from where you've always been hiding and let people see who you really and truly are. I'm sure it's wonderful, but after 10 years of being with you and waiting for that person to come out I got tired of waiting. When you are able to do these things the right person will come around for you. Until then, I hope you can start learning to be honest with yourself about who you really are. "I am number 421?" If you really are then my whole soul is hurt from you thinking you couldn't tell me, if you're not, then you're still in the trap of playing an emotional game of thinking you know how to communicate properly with someone you love. And you're right, you're absolutely right--the only thing you did was prepare for the future. The whole time there was a being trying to love you in the present.