The One that Came Before

Could be true or false. Fuck you.

These days just about every single routine I've ever had in my life has changed. I'm still trying to figure out balance. i'm still trying to figure out when to sleep, when to eat... kind of the basic routines on how to live. Now it's getting cold, which usually means that my foot goes numb cold and is really uncomfortable for most of the winter. Which though, is a yearly routine that is something that is going to change as well.

My new morning routine consists of waking up, taking my medicine while listening to music and closing my eyes for my morning meditation. Technology has helped my music knowledge, because my laziness and lack of desire to go to huge events by myself has prevented me from getting the fullness of what I do crave. When I listen to music and close my eyes to try and drop down into the void where nothing exists I sometimes let go of feelings that I cling onto too tightly. At least it loosens my grip up enough to see things more clearly, like loosening a tense face that closes your eyes to know that I don't have to live suffering anymore, with anything in my life or anything that we as people smile through in our lives telling ourselves, "we can do it", or "grit builds character", or any of the other falsehoods we lead ourselves to believe.

These days, my belief--I'm going to be happy. I'm going to be healthy. I'm going to make decisions in my life, not based on other people, but based on the way I feel about situations, even if they involve other people. It sounds a bit selfish, but I realized long ago that if you try to light others' candles with your match, you only get to light a few. If you light your candle with your match, you can light just about as many candles as you like. And my life is going to be based on lighting as many candles as I can. I am in the stages to do so now.

So, in my meditation a few weeks ago, I realized that I don't have to live with a numb foot all winter. It was so obvious that that forest smacked me across the face for focusing on a single fucking tree--my jobs now are mobile, and although I would never want to do UBER, my teaching jobs can be done from anywhere. January though is winter vacation for China and other places in the world, which means work is abundant. I don't have to look at it as a holiday. I can look at it as a different location to work with an expensive ride to get to new, said location.

So Philippines this winter. Stoked. I've been meeting really cool people and getting some good information. And when I get back, my new course. I'm going to shed all of this shit that is festering in my heart. Get it stripped down to the bare bones of my existence, or get as close to it as I can as I am studying to be a Buddhist practioner and teacher/healer in a course I will talk about later. 2017 has been the utter and worst year of my life, but it taught me one thing that I forgot--that I can do anything I want, because I learned the fortitude to do so through many challenges in my life. This was taught to me by my father. To make a goal, just make a goal and learn to work towards it. Climb mountains, get that job, dive that ocean in the world, fly through that sky in the world... Through my course, I'm going to learn how to teach people how to do the same. Because that's what Buddhism is truly about--happiness. Learning how to find it and how to keep it.