Penniless and Proud...

Well, there are going to be a lot of truth bombs dropped here.  I'm tired of carrying around this weight.

First of all, I'm trying to be a writer, not an editor. I know how to edit, but I'm not perfect, so if you find a mistake here, I love the feedback and the critique. You can send me a message at 




or you can send me a message on here through the contact page and tell me my grammar sucks.

I've been meditating a lot recently. And realized I'm tired of lying. I had some difficulties over the past 6 months that I've lied about to a big group of people I really care about. I haven't really had much contact with them because I haven't wanted to lie anymore. The reason I've lied about it is because I promised to keep something personal a secret. If I said nothing, the truth would have been implied. Lying bought some time for others that aren't in my life anymore. Which was part of the arrangement. That's all I can say.

The second truth bomb is, I love weed. I do. I started smoking recreationally when I was in university. I smoke it now so I can try to live a normal life. Every day I have what would be like a migraine headache in my foot. Sometimes I'm crabby as fuck and people don't understand. I just keep smiling, try not to complain, and don't talk about it. It's part of my life now, just something I had to get used to. And I am. But the times of day when I have the frequent pains that wake me up at night sometimes, or nearly cause me to crash my car in a spasm. That is equivalent to a hammer and nail doing a number on the nerve that was once severed and never healed correctly. That's what happens when you get bamboo shoved up into your foot. I guess I'm glad that I was running uphill because the doctor told me if I had been running down, I would have taken half my foot off. I just cut all of the tendons, the artery, and the nerve. So fuck you if you judge me. I'm tired of lying about that shit too. Sometime when the time is right I'll tell you some stories about that that have happened to me all over the world.

So, this is supposed to be called Penniless and Proud. Decisions in my life have lead me here to being broke again, I couldn't give two shits. I've been here three times in my adult life going for absolute broke for this book. Well, two. This time is different, but the point being is I feel absolutely amazing. That's the irony. The irony of Buddhism. We try to go and gather a bunch of stuff because we think it's going to make us happy, but then might have a time in your life when you do have nothing and then are surprised that you feel amazing, like you're reborn.  But I've been getting bored. When I said that out loud to the universe, my mom got a call for me to cut some grasses.  I thought, "great! Outside, sun, a little sweat, a little money..." but then the thought of money made me feel a little sick thinking that this feeling I have of having nothing and being happy would go away. So I decided to make a deal--I traded cutting the grass for a copy of my book. Each time I cut their grass or boss' they have to buy a book and give it to someone or convince someone else to buy it. I was feeling a bit restless too, so I went up to the martial arts gym, walked in, told him I trained in Asia, told him I don't have any money and we made a deal for me to come in and scrub toilets, which I did today and then worked out on the bag for about 15 minutes and about died. I'm going up for a Krav Maga class tonight... been a long time to do something like that. I'm probably going to go back and clean the toilets Friday. I cut the grass and mom bought me Subway.