The Body Shot
There are certain things in life that you can’t let pass without writing them down; lessons learned, people you have met, or funny drinking stories. I was in the dive bar in Cairns, Australia one year with a handful of English travelers--three ladies that had the manners of men, an English stockbroker, my buddy Jeff and Martin. The names of the other are not at all important. You can put whatever names you want with them and the story would still have the same meaning, but Martin... that name is highly significant and extremely pertinent. We all have stereotypes about people’s names, so you can probably imagine what a ‘Martin’ looks like. Or maybe I’m just full of it. This one, the English version of a Martin, was not too bright, quite homely, shy, but considerably sweet all in the same. He was not attractive in the least bit, but the girls, crass as they were, got off teasing him about it. They would say things like “Oh, Martin, if this table wasn’t between the two of us I would be all over you,” and ‘Oh, Martin, you are just too damn sexy for me.” Martin was so flattered by any sort of attention that he didn’t consider the patronizing offensive even though we all though it was too funny.
I was traveling with my American Jeff that happened to be a bartender, and the subject of unusual ways to get a person incredibly drunk came up. I, myself, was a bartender at the time, so we stared sharing different things that we had seen in our past. First, we made the mistake of asking the group if they had ever heard of a drink called a ‘Blow Job’, not the act, like they thought we were talking about. They all nodded like we were naive. We caught ourselves, refrained, and explained that it was also a drink, and enthralled them with a new way to take a shot. For those of you that have never heard of the shot, ‘The Blowjob’, it consists of a layered shot, topped with whip cream, and placed between the legs of a seated gent. A woman then proceeds to take the shot in her mob, hands held behind her back, throws her head up and drinks the shot without her hands. If she does it correctly, then she comes up with the whip cream all over her mouth.
The Brits, up for the challenge, ordered up four shots for the women to do between our legs. I took the liberty of ordering up three more and decided to elaborate with “The Muffdiver” a similar shot topped with a cherry for us men to partake in as well. We all had a good laugh, ordered up about three more rounds, all the while, a crowd stared to gather around us to watch vouyeristically.
Not too long after, the alcohol kicked in for all of us and they started poking at my friend and myself for other ways to have a laugh. Martin, on the other hand, looked like those were all he could take; we could all tell that a woman putting her head into his crotch to take a shot called a “Blowjob” was about as much action as he had had in a long time. I think all of the guys involved started feeling a little itchy as well, but we wanted to keep going--the night was young.
Now I had never tried it, but I had seen it a few times wherever I was working. I think my friend read my mind, so, with a wicked grin the topic changed, to “body shots”. I could feel the crowd, that was nonchalantly trying to listen in, stop in silence for a minute to hear again what we bartenders were talking about. Glassy eyed, and drooling, Martin listened, as did everyone else, as my friend began to share with them one of the most erotic ways to drink and get drunk. It starts with a body, tequila, salt, a tongue, and a lemon. On a girl, a man licks right between her breasts, salts it, puts the shot between her cleavage, and the lemon in her mouth. On a man, she physically pushes him into a seat, licks his neck, salts it, places the shot between his legs and the lemon in his mouth. You then lick the salt, take the shot, and go for the lemon, which usually ends with the two involved in a heated lip lock. In all of the times that I have seen this occur, two people usually end up going home together.
One by one, the girls and we did the shots, until it came down to Martin. The three of them were actually fighting over who was going to lick and shoot a shot off of Martin. He sat back in awe, and his stockbroker friend looked over at us and made a face that said, “this is going to be classic.”
Martin was seated by the most beautiful of the crass women and she danced for him. She danced putting the lemon in his mouth, she danced putting the shot glass full of tequila between his legs. The rest of the crowd stood on the tips of their toes and the circle stared to enclose. Martin, sat anxiously with a hurried look on his face and made eyes over our way--huge, horny eyes, bordering on his orgasm face. She danced her way to the crease of his neck for the shot and licked his neck. Martin couldn’t control himself. He spasmed. He jerked his body. He went limp from a convulsion and lost the shot all over his pants. And the tequila soaked in and made it look like he just peed himself. The crowd just about exploded in the loudest, most hysterical burst of laughter you’re ever heard. Everyone around us kept screaming and crying so much that the bouncers got called upon and we all had to silence our laughter. The handful of us laughed until we cried tears out of our eyes. Martin thought it was too funny too, but when he stood up he had a huge stain all over his trousers that made us bust out in laughter even more. We laughed until the bartender kicked us out of the bar and told us that the bar wasn’t the place for things like that. I don’t know why he picked that moment as the time to kick us out--he was watching us the whole time like all of the others were. We left though, and on the way out the good looking, crass Brit woman leans over and whispers into our American ears-- “We go home with the ‘Body Shot’. You go home with the shot ‘Blowing Your Load.’